Weird Day

Eight years ago today, I walked down an aisle. An aisle that should have been made of fairy tales, celebration, and love, but was simply lacking. That day should have been the happiest day of my life, but it was more like an out of body experience. I knew that then and I stand by that today. I may not be able to recall the guest list, the decorations, the flowers, the planning, where it was held or how I felt, but I do remember two sentences said to me just moments after I said "I do" and pledged my life to a man who would later complicate, confuse, and change it beyond imagination.

The facility coordinator said that out of hundreds of weddings she'd witnessed, I was the third bride who didn't cry and she was impressed. I didn't cry. I didn't cry and I WAS PREGNANT! Brides should cry. Brides should be filled with so many tangled happy emotions that it should come shooting out of their eyeballs like Niagara Falls. Pregnant brides should have an uncontrollable Niagara falling out of every pore that she soaks the congregation. That's how women are programmed. Me? Eyes drier than the Sahara. This makes me wonder if I was even happy that day or if I was just focused on not having morning sickness on Forrest's rented tuxedo.

I often wonder how the first two dry brides are and if there's a relation between blubbering brides and a happily ever after? Or maybe I'm just one of those bad ass chicks who doesn't cry when puppies get run over by trucks or when babies smile or when I get married. Pregnant or not, I do cry at other people's weddings; people I know, people I don't, it's guaranteed. I cry when I attend weddings or when I see them posted on YouTube and last flu season, I had to stop watching TLC's A Wedding Story due to lack of tissue in my house. I cry because I want so badly for them to remember that moment, to hang on to it and feel like that forever, with each other. I am THAT happy for them. Or maybe I cry because I want a moment like that to hang on to. Maybe there's just something wrong with my bad ass wiring.

I kid you not, tissues are required when I watch this video. Hell, they're required if I hear this song on the radio and THINK about this video. Seriously! It looks like so much fun and they're all sooooo happy. I'm sooooo happy for them, I cry. In fact, it's playing in the background as I write this, I'm not even watching, and I STILL need three tissues. Hug anyone?

The other words that stuck like tacky glue to rhinestones; my mother's childhood friend quietly told me, "From one pregnant bride to another, it will be okay." I will never forget that moment. For a long time I thought my story would mimick hers. 31 years and four kids later, I would still be happy holding his hand. It took one divorce, two failed relationships, three kids, and four years to know that my story isn't supposed to mirror hers, or others, but that doesn't make her prediction wrong. It would be okay.

May 11th is a weird day for me. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel or if I'm supposed feel anything at all. Am I even supposed to acknowledge it? It happened, it ended, it's gets better every day and it was all part of the grand design that is my life. There isn't a single event coming my way that I won't grow, learn, or benefit from in some way. God wouldn't allow it. {See? There are some things I still believe.} I just hope that if I ever get a second chance to be that happy with someone else, I do exactly what I wish in tears for those I witness at the altar making an eternal promise; to never forget or let go of that moment for as long as we both shall live.

Today, I choose to celebrate eight years of being green and, I gotta say, it's definitely not easy, but it IS okay.